Such a gloomy gloomy week so far..
Not necessarily plang my personal life.. tuh my work aaah.. i felt bad terribly bad because i did something wrong.. I thought of it earlier on.. I emphasized on it during meeting.. but when whateva discussion during that meeting didn't really translated into well programme or well execution, i feel accountable.. I didn't really check the well programme and i didn't include what we thought on the side into the programme hence it is just lost up in the air.. this is definitely a lesson learnt for me.. i acknowledged my fault, somehow, i keep on thinking on it.. tido pun payah.. mcm i wasted company resources bah.. planning mcm urg gila, tpi bila execution, it was not executed as per plan.. mcm retribution ada jua.. may be i treat somebody bad a.k.a Mr MuruKu, iatah mcm kebalikan.. entah lah.. coincide tah lgi with PMS (or issit just MS).. mcm haywired selajuu, emotional tahap gaban..
Owh iklan sekajap do u notice that nowadays in facebook, people would say "tahap gaban" to describe sesuatu yg tahap maksima? sedangkan si gaban atu inda tau papa.. heran jua why si gaban? kenapa inda ksateria baja hitam kah? and what's wrong with ultraman.. why not we say tahap ultraman? *something for you to ponder upon*
anyway.. pokoknya today i dont feel like going to work.. feel like calling sick.. i know i'm not useful jua di opis taim chani2 ani.. feel like escaping the madness in that world.. mcm it goes over and over dlm kepala ku.. why chani? why i breakdown saja this year? Am I not THAT tough on the previous year? why my work quality deterioriate saja bah.. i know i'm not up to that higher level technically, but they forced my utk naik jua.. to fill in the gap.. dadidadidadida.. but they don't know how it impact me.. yes it is scary plg, taking bigger role di office atu when you know and you FEEL you're not technically there yet.. they said "take it as a challenge" i know i can take challenges easily.. i'm good at that.. ONLY when i'm motivated.. right now? i don't really have motivation.. i just feel sick and sicker day by day.. surrounded by work and no holiday yet.. somewhere in my head, a question popped up " would i feel different facing the challenges if i didn't miscarriage again earlier this year?" " would i stay motivated?"
I'm not blaming my miscarriage over my failure at work.. but somehow i feel it is still related.. I'm dragging my problem like suster ngengsot as i don't really have my motivation up there yet.. My miscarriage could be a blessing in disguise.. people said ada hikmah di sebalik nya.. and i do believe that.. but my work surrounding me right now make it feel difficult for me to see that.. If i forecast my life towards the end of this year? i see nothing kan di jadikan motivation except rumah kami siap.. My fraccing mcm kan delay saja lgi.. takut start in Oct-Nov instead of time raya.. Aku kan beraya? mcm no hope rasaku.. with my ipar now preg, i'll be the target of bila lagi bila lagi bila lagi... ntah2 break down lgi ku sekali dpn urg ramai..
Apa2 pun.. brave it up and tawakkal tu 'alallah.. berserah saja supaya dbawah pimpinan Allah.. Hubby has been a great support for me this morning.. Messy and emotional wrecked bini nya ani.. aduhai.. just got txt msg from him.. kesian kedia.. he is my support, my pillar of strength during this critical time.. "Ayg.. Sory me nda bnyk dpt membantu dr perkara yg menyedihkan ayg.. Yg dpt aja me beri nasihat.. Bawa berehat.. Bykkan membaca ayat kursi ulang2.. sebelum atu niat utk di beri jalan keluar dr masalah.. Insya Allah.. Mudahan Allah berikan jalan keluar atau penyelesaian.. Me sedih mliat ayg cani.. Lov u.. Bawa berehat.." So sweet of him.. love him soo much too..
I'll take my morning off.. There's no way i'm going to work looking like urg elegik mekap, bangkak2 mata..
Hopefuly i'm strong enough to come to work krg ptg.. God bless me..
Tsunami di mata ku ~ lg beany ~
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